Episode 2: Night Room, Letters Etched on the Ceiling (CONFESSION)

When I turned off the fluorescent lights in the room, darkness instantly engulfed every corner of the room. Su-a lay on the bed without taking off her school uniform and looked up at the ceiling blankly. The orange light from the streetlight outside the window seeped through the gap in the blinds and was shaking in a slanted diagonal pattern on the ceiling. Above that dusky shadow, the words that had been lingering in my heart during the day began to emerge one by one like a translucent hologram. 'UNSPOKEN WORDS.'

'I like you.'

'Are we really just friends?' The letters appeared to overlap and undulate on the ceiling like waves on the night sea. Even if I closed my eyes, it wasn't erased, and when I opened my eyes, I caught her gaze more clearly. Sua raised her upper body and walked in front of the desk. When I turned on the small orange light bulb on the desk stand, the white letter envelope and blue wax seal sticker that had been lying on the old wooden desk quietly appeared. I held the pen with trembling fingers. Creep, crease. In the quiet room, only the sound of the pen tip scratching the paper echoed like an echo.

One word written down at the top of the letter. 'CONFESSION.' Just writing those words made my heart pound as if it was going to burst. But before she could write the next sentence, Su-ah hastily covered the words she had written with her palm. Even though no one was watching, my face got hot because I was embarrassed and scared to face my true feelings stuffed on paper.

“I feel stupid….” Sua put down her pen and buried her face in her hands. A hot sigh escaped between my fingers. Why is confession so heavy? My heart had already crossed the Milky Way to reach that child, but in reality, my steps could not even leave the narrow floor in front of my desk. 1:20 in the morning. It was a time when all the windows in the apartment complex lost light and fell into silence. In the room, only the sound of the second hand of the old quartz clock hanging on the wall rang out regularly. Tick, tick, tick. It was like the sound of the teardrops in Su-ah's heart falling to the floor one by one.

Su-a took out an old, stained spring notebook from deep in her desk drawer. It was a secret notebook filled with messages secretly exchanged with Minwoo during class during middle school. ‘Hey, I heard pork cutlet is being served for lunch today. I'm taking what's yours.'

‘What is the answer to math homework question 3? Give me a hint quickly.'

‘Hansoo, did you cry? If someone is bothering you, tell me. 'I'll scold you all.' Crooked and rough handwriting. However, Minwoo's warmth and playfulness, embedded in each of those short doodles, has always been Suah's most reliable windbreaker. Back then, everything was simple and transparent. A time when you could say, if you like it, you like it, and if you don’t like it, you don’t like it, without any pretense. But since when? The prominent veins on the back of his hand, the low voice passing by my ear, and the faint scent of soap began to tighten my heart.

“CONFESSION…….” Su-ah quietly traced the words written on the letter with her fingertip. The letters hardened in ink on the paper were like a single, precarious line over a deep abyss that could not be crossed. If I cross that single rope, will I be able to reach his true heart, or will I stumble and fall into the darkness that I can never return to? Under the light of the stand, the shadow of Sua's long eyelashes was cast darkly on her cheek. My eyes became red and my vision became blurry. The truth that could not be conveyed was floating around the silent room, sinking into a blue echo that filled the ceiling.

The letters written on the letterhead swayed precariously like small candles. Sua picked up the blue sealing wax stick on the desk. If you put the letter in an envelope, melted this cold blue wax, and sealed it tightly, the heart inside would be forever locked in a secret prison that would never be able to come out. She had written down Minwoo's minor habits in a small corner of a piece of paper. The habit of lightly resting the back of a pencil on one's chin when solving a problem. On cold days, I have a habit of sneezing twice in a row at the crosswalk traffic light.

When Su-ah was feeling down, he would buy strawberry milk from the convenience store without saying a word and leave it on the corner of her desk. All of those small moments formed one huge universe in Sua's heart. “Do you know? How long I have been looking at every little detail of your back…” My self-talk dissolved into the silence of the room. What will happen tomorrow morning if you put this letter in his locker? Will Min-woo, who reads the letter, come to Su-ah with a puzzled look on his face?

Or will they just avoid making eye contact for days because they can't bear to say no? Just thinking about it took my breath away. Between the cowardly relief of staying by her side in the name of a friend and the extreme fear of revealing her true feelings and losing everything, Su-ah's night was slowly turning to ashes. She looked out the window, fiddling with the blue seal sticker. The early morning fog was falling thickly over the apartment complex. The stationery lying under the light of the stand was now lightly wrinkled from her breath and tears.

Su-a took out the small wooden music box that Min-woo had given her as a gift for her birthday last year from her desk drawer. After winding the mainspring three times, the old gears began to creak and play a clear, metallic melody. Twinkle twinkle little star. It was a simple melody of a children's song, but in the silence of the late night, the sound filled the room, like a knock on the door of a forgotten time.

“What were you thinking when you gave me this music box?” Su-ah traced the rough writing on the inside of the music box lid with her finger. 'Happy 17th birthday. Grow up a little, kid. - Minwooga' It was a playful note, but every time she saw the letters, Sua's heart would be filled with indescribable affection. He was a boy who was always by her side, always kind, and always silently accepted Su-ah's little complaints. But what if that kindness was nothing more than loyalty and consideration as a ‘friend’? What if all the warmth he showed was just a natural kindness shown to a neighborhood friend of 10 years?

Every time that thought occurred to Su-ah, she had to fall in pain as if her heart was being ripped out. A teardrop fell and spread on the white space of the letter. The blue ink spread and the outline of the word 'CONFESSION' became blurred and distorted. The truth that must be hidden, and the confession that one wants to reveal. Caught between two giant millstones of emotion, Su-ah's heart was slowly crumbling in bone-chilling loneliness. There was a thick middle school yearbook on the nightstand next to the bed. Sua carefully took out the album and placed it on her lap.

As I turned the velvet cover, color photos of the four seasons of the past three years unfolded before my eyes. A photo of people painting their faces and drawing a V on the day of the sports day. On the day of the school trip, a photo of them giggling at each other at the top of Seongsan Ilchulbong in Jeju Island, their hair messed up by the strong sea breeze. And at the back of the album, my friends' rolling paper compartment. Among the neat and pretty handwriting of female students, a particularly large and crooked black magic lettering caught my eye.

‘Han Su-ah. Even when I go to high school, I have to write my homework instead. Okay? 'I'll buy food often.' It was a short and blunt sentence, but each letter was imbued with the unwavering trust and intimacy that had been built over a long period of time. Su-ah gently rubbed Min-woo’s signature with the tip of her finger. My eyes grew hot again.

“Do you really think of me as just a comfortable friend?” No matter how many times I asked the paper, there was no answer. The air in the room was extremely cold, and the thirst burning in my chest could not be quenched with any water. She folded the letter and carefully stuffed it into a white envelope. A confession that has not been sent yet, and may never be sent. Holding the envelope tightly in her hand, Su-ah leaned against the head of the bed and hugged her knees. The darkness of dawn was filling the room, but the boy's smile, which could not be erased, was still burning like a lamp in her eyes.

2:15 in the morning. Su-ah got up from the bed and went to the window. I slightly opened the curtain and looked out the 7th floor balcony window. The 102 apartment building opposite stood blocking the night sky like a huge black folding screen. The third window from the left end on the 7th floor of the building. That place was Minwoo’s room. The window of Minwoo's room was already dark with the lights off. Su-a rested her forehead on the window pane and stared quietly at the dark square window. A distance of less than 100 meters. A space so close that it feels like you can hear it right away if you scream, or as if you can knock on the window if you throw a rock.

But the distance in my heart felt farther than the distant abyss from the Earth to the Moon. What kind of dream is Minwoo in that room right now? If you happen to see yourself tomorrow morning, just like usual, say "Hey, Hansoo! You're late, run!" Should I knock on the door? Or will this awkward wall of silence become thicker and stronger tomorrow morning? Su-ah lifted her palm and placed it on the glass window. Through the cold glass window, I touched the window of Minwoo’s room as if I was embracing it with my palm. Through the cool feeling of glass at my fingertips, the warmth in my heart created a faint moisture and steamed up white.

“Minwoo, sleep well….” Silent greetings were quietly scattered across the window at dawn. Her letter was still sleeping in the white envelope on the desk, but her spirit had already crossed the window and was wandering around the window in the dark room. Feeling thirsty, Su-ah quietly opened the door to her room and walked out into the kitchen. The refrigerator motor in the living room was spinning with a low hum, and the cool blue moonlight outside the window was falling on the chrome surface of the sink faucet. Sua poured a glass full of cold water and drank it down in one go.

The icy water seemed to cool down the burning fire in my chest for a moment as it went down my esophagus, but soon the heat rose up the back of my neck again. On my mother's small calendar on the kitchen table, today's date was circled in red pencil.

'Sua's midterm exams are over.' The world was going by smoothly, with the end and beginning of exams, the change of seasons, and a set schedule. However, Su-ah's time was frozen forever in the gaze and silence of only one person, a boy named Kang Min-woo. I sat down on the dining table chair and looked around the dark living room. In the family photo hanging on the wall, I saw my younger self holding a bouquet of flowers and smiling brightly on the day of my elementary school entrance ceremony. Minwoo's family, who lived next door, were standing next to him and smiling brightly. The long relationship between the two families and the special trust between the parents.

That solid network of relationships was also a huge shackle holding Su-ah's ankles. A heavy sense of guilt that if one's feelings are rejected and the relationship is soured, the long-standing peace that the two families have built may be shattered. Sua held the empty glass cup with both hands and leaned her forehead against it. Cold water droplets formed on the surface of the glass and ran down my cheeks. Silence was perhaps the most selfish choice, and at the same time, the only refuge that the weakest soul could take. Su-ah returned to the room, sat on the chair in front of the desk, and turned on the laptop.

A blue desktop appeared with a booting sound, and I opened the 'Memories' folder hidden in the corner of the hard disk. Hundreds of digital photos taken with Minwoo from middle school until now were filled with thumbnails. From slightly blurry photos from when smartphone camera quality wasn't that good, to clear, high-definition photos taken at a recent festival. Sua moved the mouse cursor to look through the photos one by one. In the photo, Minwoo was always staring at the camera with a mischievous expression, and Suah, standing next to him, was always smiling happily.

The distance between the two people in the photo was so close that their shoulders were touching. But why is the distance between two people in reality so far now? “Have we grown too much…?” The blue light of the monitor reflected on Suah’s wet eyes. When I was young, I felt no shame when I held hands and ran, and my heart didn't pound even when I lay side by side on the bed and read a comic book. However, as they crossed the threshold of growth, became aware of each other's gender, and began to be conscious of the world's gaze and relationships with others, an invisible, transparent glass wall was erected between the two.

Sua placed her fingers on the keyboard. I launched the Notepad program and typed carefully. ‘Minwoo. I feel like the whole world becomes brighter every time you smile. Sometimes the word 'friend' hurts so much that I can't bear it.' Three lines of sentences written down. But she soon pressed the backspace key and erased all the letters. All that remained was a blank white screen with a blinking cursor. A feeling that cannot be conveyed through digital text or a handwritten letter on paper. Su-ah covered the monitor and buried her face in the darkness.

A faint blue dawn began to spread across the eastern sky horizon. The darkness in the room slowly cleared, and all the objects on the desk revealed their original outlines. Although Su-ah stayed up all night, her eyes were clearer and clearer than ever. She picked up the envelope and carefully placed the blue wax seal in the center of the flap. A firm clamping sensation is felt at the tip of the finger when pressed firmly. This letter is now complete. Although he did not know how the feelings contained within it would end, at least he expressed the most honest and shameless sincerity about his seventeen-year-old youth.

'CONFESSION.' When I opened the window, a cool, clear dawn breeze blew into the room. The remnants of heavy sighs and tears that had accumulated all night were carried by the wind and washed cleanly out the window. The first morning magpie flew over the apartment complex, chirping. A new day was dawning. The sleepless hours of dawn were like a key that unlocked a treasure chest of memories. The summer of my second year of middle school, the day we squatted side by side in the science lab hallway to avoid a rain shower after school. Seeing Su-a covering her ears in surprise every time there was thunder, Min-woo chuckled and took out one of his earphones and put it in Su-a's ear.

The drum beat of an exciting rock band was flowing through the earphones. The sound of thunder was no longer scary as it was drowned out by the sound of the music, and Sua felt like her heart would explode at the distance between the two people connected by that narrow earphone string. “It must have been from then on. The center of my world became filled with you.” Su-ah sighed. The blue seal attached to the white envelope on the desk shone like a jewel in the moonlight. Confession was not a trap to restrain the other person, but the most noble courage to completely give one's soul to the other person.

She decided not to be afraid of that courage anymore. No matter what the outcome is, this youth will be worthwhile just by fully expressing one's feelings. The corner of the envelope she had stuffed deep in her bag gently poked Su-ah’s waist every time she walked. That little pressure was a friendly reminder to her constantly of her resolve.

'CONFESSION.' Confession may not be about forcing an answer from the other person, but rather the purest act of fully acknowledging one's feelings and presenting them to the world. No matter what expression the child made or what answer he gave, Su-ah was ready to fully accept it all. Because what she loved was not just Minwoo's positive reaction, but all the seasons and time itself over the past 10 years that she had spent with that child. Suah's shadow as she walked down the alley stretched out in the morning sunlight.

The countless letters that had filled the ceiling all night were now stuffed onto paper, supporting her back reliably. Su-ah put her bag in the classroom desk drawer and sat down, looking up at the blue sky outside the window. The morning sunlight pouring in through the window warmly illuminated the blue stamp envelope on the corner of the desk.

'CONFESSION.' Confession may be the most beautiful hammer that breaks down the wall between two people. When the wall is torn down, it may sometimes raise dust and cause scars, but it is a process that must be completed in order to face the real world beyond the wall. Su-ah caressed the smooth paper of the envelope with her fingertips. There was no more fear. That's because the sentences she wrote while staying up all night in tears contained the light of the noblest and clearest soul that a seventeen-year-old girl could have.

She neatly placed her hands together on the desk. The autumn breeze blowing outside the window gently swayed the curtains and carried the fresh scent of grass into the classroom. The solid surface of the blue wax seal was as unwavering as her resolve. The kind hand that Minwoo used to shake off the flower petals that had fallen on his shoulder when we walked together along the cherry blossom road on a spring day. The rude consideration of taking off my slippers while looking at my wet shoes on a rainy day. All those memories were completely contained in this white paper bag. CONFESSION was not simply a means to change the relationship between two people.

It was the purest prayer of gratitude, confessing what a great blessing the other person's presence was in my life. Su-ah carefully organized the letters in her desk drawer once again. The warmth rising in my chest was spreading through my fingertips, warming the cold morning air of the classroom. The morning scenery outside the classroom window was as clear and transparent as a lyrical watercolor painting. The leaves of the ginkgo tree swaying in the wind sparkled golden in the sunlight, and the dew that had fallen all night formed like jewels on the benches in the campus.

Su-ah quietly looked at the envelope in her desk drawer. What was contained in that envelope was not a simple confession of unrequited love. It was the most sincere tribute to the boy's sweet smile and warm touch throughout all the seasons of the past 10 years when we cried and laughed together.

'CONFESSION.' Confession was never a transaction dependent on the outcome. It was the most sacred ritual to complete one's youth by completely surrendering one's pure heart. The smile around Sua's eyes glowed softly in the morning sunlight. The courage that had built up in her heart was now strong enough to not be afraid of any ordeal. The ginkgo tree leaves outside the window swayed in the wind and cast golden shadows into the classroom. Su-a quietly stroked the envelope neatly placed in the desk drawer.

The countless letters that filled the ceiling all night were now a crystallization of the most beautiful sincerity in the world. Confession is not about forcing the other person to answer, but rather it is the purest soulful tribute that blesses a person's existence with all one's heart. The smile around her eyes shined clear and transparent in the morning sunlight. In absolute tranquility, without any fear or hesitation, her youth was ready to fly powerfully toward the most brilliant spring. Under the soft sunlight seeping through the window, Su-ah quietly stared at the letter in the drawer.

The countless words of hesitation that filled the ceiling on a dark night have now become a solid crystal of love on a piece of paper, forever stuffed. The boy’s warm smile, the scenery of the alley we walked together. All those memories came together to finally create one perfect container. Confession was the most noble offering of the soul. The smile around her eyes was shining clearer and more transparent than any other jewel in the world. The courage that bloomed through the cold darkness of the night sky was now taking down the strongest roots in her soul.

I will no longer hesitate or hesitate, but stand by the boy's side with my complete sincerity. The morning sunlight filled the classroom window, giving a brilliant blessing. The courage that had built up in my heart was now strong enough to not be afraid of any ordeal. The belief that sincere feelings will one day inevitably reach the other person's soul was deeply engraved in her heart. The morning sunlight pouring in through the window was the kindest touch that completely blessed the two people's future. A dazzling day was beginning.

The overwhelming emotion welling up in my heart was so deep and clear that it cannot be expressed in any earthly language. It was a brilliant moment that I will never forget. It was truly dazzling.